Where Beauty Led

I’ve talked about the importance of beauty before, but never where it led me. I homeschooled my children using a classical, history-centered method. As we were studying Ancient Greece I was struck by the heights their society attained. The more we read the more I came to realize it was their pursuit of beauty that made the difference. Beauty in art of every kind was highly valued – including the beauty of the human spirit.

I began looking for beauty in my own life and especially my faith life. I mean, if God is the author and creator of all things, then he is the origin and source of beauty. I assumed that religion, then, would be the most beautiful thing, right?

What I found was not beautiful. I found a lot of guilt (no, I wasn’t Catholic, LOL!), a lot of anger, a lot of judgement, and a lot of fear. Especially fear of beauty and joy. Some of it flowed from my own brokenness and some of it flowed from trying to live out an incomplete theology. My faith was not beautiful and was actively discouraging the pursuit of beauty in my own life.

That couldn’t be right?!? But it was. The more I strove for truth, beauty and goodness (all three together, not one or the other) the more miserable I become and the more I realized the people around me were as broken and as joyless as I was, and none of us were getting any better. Indeed marriages were ending, children were walking away from the faith and anxiety attacks were increasing. Something was definitely not right.

Finally, full of anger and bitterness, I walked away from faith altogether. For years. It was the most awful season of my life. I have always desired God. To have known him and the consolation faith can bring and then to have lost every shred of my spirituality was painful. But trying to live the spiritual life as I understood it then was more painful…

What I did not give up was the pursuit of beauty. I found it in drips and drabs. Never enough to satisfy or to hold on to, but always enough to fuel the search. Then one random day I found myself in the Religion section at Barnes and Noble. I missed God so much. Even after years of actively rejecting faith, there remained an emptiness in my life that God used to fill at least a little, sometimes a lot. Standing there with my empty ache, I read book jacket after book jacket. Not with any real hope of finding hope, but just out of homesickness. But Oh, the Mercies of God. I pulled The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton off the shelf.

Something piqued my interest. At this far remove, I don’t remember what, but I knew I had to have this book. I bought it. Read it. and Found my hope. Raised in a home void of faith, Thomas expressed the same emptiness I felt. Until he found Jesus waiting for him in the Eucharist – in the Communion of the Catholic Church.

Entranced, I bought the Catechism of the Catholic Church. From the first page I was struck by the way it talked about God and about me – an individual person. This was so high and lofty and BEAUTIFUL – yet very present and very available. I read for 5 long years, everything I could get my hands on, Protestant and Catholic. In the end, beauty won my heart; goodness soothed my soul; and truth set me free to really live.

The Ancient Greeks made me do it…

And I’m so very glad they did.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

The most bewitching word in the English language is tomorrow. It has an unending ability to soothe and comfort. Faced with any difficulty all a girl has to do is whisper, “Tomorrow,” and all will be well.

I’ve been wondering lately about my tendency to procrastinate. I am a world class Procrastinator. Why do I put off what I not only can do today, but really should do? It pains me to say, I don’t always know.

Sometimes my latent perfectionism paralyzes me. “If your going to do it, do it right,” that voice from my childhood whispers in my ear. But nothing was ever right…or at least not  right enough… When I feel that familiar demoralization rear its ugly head, I laugh and remind myself that nothing is perfect.

I’ve found taking a few minutes to ask and answer one or more of the following usually subdues the instinct to “make it perfect” and frees up enough energy for me to begin the task. In no particular order, I ask:

1) What do I have time for?  If this is the only project of the day, then I have time to really lean in to the details. If my deadline for completion is in an hour, then I’ve got to hit the high points and get ‘er done.

2) What’s the minimum it will take for me (or the boss) to feel good about the finished product? This sounds like a dangerous question, but the point is to stop panicking about “doing it perfectly” which either has me running away or totally paralyzed. Once I get started, my natural tendency to excellence will kick in and I’ll end up doing a great job. I’ve just got to freakin’ start! I’ve developed a little mantra to use in these situations – good enough is good enough.

3) What is the real goal? If the goal is to enjoy a good cup of tea my actions will be far different than if my goal is to produce the most beautiful tea tray ever. I can get caught up in stuff that has no real bearing on what I need to accomplish.  Focus on the Goal!

Other times I do not want to do the task because I dislike it, so I don’t…for days…or weeks…or…

Then there are the things I’m afraid of. Like phone calls. I hate making phone calls because I am afraid someone is going to yell at me. It’s irrational. It’s weird (I don’t call my friends or family). It causes problems at work.

There are other things I’m afraid of, that I put off doing. But I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

Often, I’m just simply exhausted. I don’t because I just don’t have the energy.

But then there are the things I love to do (like writing) and the times when I have the energy and the time, and nothing happens. I sit staring at my phone mindlessly scrolling Twitter, or less mindlessly playing Free Cell, instead of doing something that I love. Why?

I don’t know. I know there is always a reason why not. I know excuses are lies you tell yourself. So I offer no excuses, and I’ll keeping looking for the reason how…how can I make this happen? Until I stop putting off the joy I can have today and start embracing it. Right Now…because tomorrow never comes.

The New American Virtue

Virtue is important to me. I want to be known as a good person – trustworthy, dependable, honest… You get the idea.

I don’t hear a lot about the cultivation of virtue. Occasionally as you pass an elementary school you might see the “character quality” of the month listed on the marque, but by and large Americans don’t seem to focus on growing in virtue or character.

With one glaring exception – somehow, busyness has become the new American virtue.

Have you noticed? America seems obsessed with cultivating busyness. We are wildly busy simply going about the business of being busy. We are even busy making sure our children are busy.

Twenty minutes late for a lunch date? No problem, claim the virtue of busyness, and all is not only forgiven, but admired. To be busy is to be absolved of every slip of the mind, every missed deadline, every forgotten appointment/date/family obligation.

To be busy is to have an interesting life. To be busy is the be about important things. To be busy is to be important.  Idleness is evil. Idleness is a waste.

Or is it? In the Judeo-Christian tradition, God considered rest so important he set aside an entire day for rest. If you wade deeper into the minutia of the law, you would find that he actually set aside one of every seven years as a year of rest. Can you imagine?

I find that doing nothing is sometimes the most important thing I can do. To let my mind wander aimlessly. To let my body sit and recharge. To focus on nothing but the here and now.

To be present in nothingness is to be aware and in touch with the most elemental part of life. My breath; my heartbeat; the warmth of my beloved’s hand in mine. These are gifts that cannot be measured and can be so easily missed.

I reject busyness. I choose to clear my calendar. I choose to life a simple life; a basic life. I choose to be available to myself, my loved ones and to the infinite beauty of life that is present every second of every day if we will just take the time to notice.

 

 

The God of the Living

In my spiritual journey I find the more I love God, the more concern I have for others. The closer I grow to the One who promised me abundant life, the more I desire I have to share that life with those I encounter day to day.

I often wonder what life will be like after death. We believe it does not stop, but is merely translated from one reality to a greater one. I wonder, will the concern and desire God is building in me for others cease, just because I am no longer embodied among them? Or will it too be translated into something greater.

If God privileges me now, as imperfect as I am, to join him in his work of drawing all hearts to his, why, when I am finally in heaven, would he rescind such an incredible gift? God does not stop caring for those I care for when I die. Why should I?

Will my eternity be spent in total narcissism? Floating among the clouds, singing my favorite worship song over and over?

The Catholic understanding of the saints, and our afterlife, can be summed up in the words of Jesus in Matthew 22:32, “God is not the God of the dead, but the God of the living.”

The saints are as alive, indeed, more alive, than they were on earth. They are perfectly united to the heart which loves so much. They now know and understand the perfect will of God. The church teaches that just as the resurrected Jesus continues to intercede for us, the saints in heaven offer their prayers to the Father on our behalf. They spend their time well, loving others in a totally unselfish manner.

We have friends in high places, and they have all of eternity to pray for us. Why not ask for their help right now?

St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes, pray for us.

St. Anthony, finder of the lost, pray for us.

St. Clare, who gave up all the world had to offer for love of Jesus, pray for us.

Catharsis

I’ve thought a great deal about art and literature over the years, and I have no pretensions that I will ever write “the great American novel”. So I’ve had to find a reason to keep pursuing the craft. For me the point of all art is to leave this world a better place, and the work doesn’t have to be museum quality to do that.   A photograph that evokes a smile has done its job. The tea pitcher that balances perfectly in the hand is worthy of the effort its maker put into it.

The Ancient Greeks believed in the idea of catharsis – that art, especially the dramatic arts, can create an emotion which is then purged. This purgation leaves society a safer, better place. Anger dealt with in the theater does not burst out out on the streets. But does it necessarily follow that the work must be light and fluffy, dealing only with trivial matters?

No. Art can challenge; art can confront. But what art must not do, is destroy hope. If the artist cannot see a glimmer of light, an uncertain, but possible way forward, then what good does it do?

We all know this world has dark awful places, and we dishonor those who hurt when we ignore that fact. But we need to ask ourselves what talent is for. Is it for leading others further down a dark path? Is it to suck the last ray of sun from the sky?

I think not. Art is one of the great crowns of human existence, and people worth a glorious diadem.

A Day in the Sun

Being thoughtful is a good thing.  Being thoughtful all the time is a tiring thing.  So here’s just a light story for you to enjoy.  It’s one of those vignettes that helps an author build her universe and get to know her characters, but may never show up in a finished work.  I hope you enjoy the day as much as Marc and Dallen did…

And so on a warm early autumn afternoon he found himself mounted one of her fine horses, riding out into the nowhere of her land.

Gradually desert gave way to scrubby bushes and tough, hardy grass. They had ridden most of the hours in an easy silence. Dusk had fallen and the night was deepening, when Dallen finally pulled the fine bay she was riding to a halt. Marcellus had commented on Rigel’s absence as they had started out, but Dallen had let it go without an answer. They had begun passing something that could pass for a tree an hour or so back; now they had pulled to halt beneath an old oak that could do the name proud. At the base of its gnarled, old roots a spring bubbled up with a merry welcoming noise. They gratefully drank of its cool clear water, before filling their flasks and letting their horses drink their fill. They hobbled their horses for the night, drawing their bedrolls off and making camp underneath the shelter of the oak.

There was no fire, as the night was warm, and there was no fresh meat to cook. Dallen had volunteered for the first watch, and so they sat in the darkness, Dallen watching, Marcellus waiting for sleep to steal over him.

“Marcellus,” she said, after a while.

“Hmmm.”

“We are going to visit a tribe of my people, who live much like we have for centuries. My family and their petty little wars are not who my people really are.   I wanted you to know who you are fighting with, who you are fighting for. To know that they are worth it.”

“Tell me about them,” Marcellus said, enjoying the lilting cadence of her voice.

“I would rather you see for yourself. But you must not call me by name.   To them I am just another wanderer.”

She fell silent after that, and Marcellus, lulled into sleep by the soft sounds of the night, rolled up in his blankets and fell asleep.

He woke up some hours later with Dallen’s hand on his shoulder. The moon had risen and its strong full light filtered through the branches, casting enough light on her features so that Marcellus knew all was well. It was simply his turn on watch. Satisfied he was wide-awake, Dallen lay down without a word and was asleep instantly. The consummate soldier, Marcellus thought.

The next morning Dallen laughed at his slowness and teased him as he stretched out the stiffness sleeping in the open had set in his muscles. “I am out of practice,” he replied, “Do you do this often?” he asked, not really expecting her to answer.

She swung up on her mount, and looked down at him from its height, “Not as often as I would like.”

Marcellus mounted and they rode away from the sheltering oak and deeper into the heart of her land.

They reached the tribe they were searching for late that afternoon. They had ridden through a forested area and climbed up on to the grassland plateau that spread across vast miles of her country. Dallen pointed to a faint trace of smoke wafting into the air.   “There. The Gorma tribe is camped along a creek about four miles away.”

Marcellus hung back a bit as they cantered closer to the tribe. The plain was dotted with round circular huts perched on the edge of the plateau before it fell away to the splashing creek below.   There must have been a dozen huts, each surrounded by the accoutrements of life. As the hoof beats of their horses were heard, a crowd began to gather at the edge of the village. He watched as Dallen dismounted and was welcomed into their midst. She endured several warm embraces without flinching, and then turned back to Marcellus. She gestured for him to dismount and join her. There was the confusion of voices and welcome and Marcellus tried hard to see the individual faces in the crowd and to find names to put with them. He had been drawn away from Dallen, and so did not hear what she said, but the crowd responded with a unanimous roar of delight and many of the men pounded him heartily on his back, as if congratulating him for something. When the river of people moved him back to Dallen, she reached out and grasped his hand, pulling him close to her. “Don’t get lost again,” she murmured into his ear.   Gradually the crowd thinned and they were left with a wizened old woman. It was only as they sat before the old woman’s hut and were given food and drink that Marcellus realized Dallen and the old woman were speaking in a tongue wholly unknown to him.

He caught Dallen’s eye and raise a brow, silently questioning her. She smiled, the first real full-fledged smile he had ever seen on her face, “Forgive us. Ochina refuses to speak anything but the language of our people, though she understands the common tongue well enough. She is telling me that it is fortunate that we have come today, another day they would not have been able to offer us much in the way of accommodations.   They begin their journey to their winter camp tomorrow. We are welcome to stay the night and journey with them if we are heading north.”

Marcellus enjoyed watching Dallen fall into the rhythm of the tribe’s life. It was obvious she was well known and had spent much time with these people. She strode through the camp speaking to people, stepping in and giving a hand where she could, Marcellus always in tow. When they reached the picket line, they mounted their horses and rode out into the plains. When the were safely out of earshot of the camp, Dallen pulled up her horse and sidled close to Marcellus. She grinned at him, naughty mischief dancing in her eyes.

”What have you done?” he asked.

“I have told them that you are my husband.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.   It was a terribly selfish thing for me to do, but you have never heard Ochina snore,” she laughed, completely unrepentant for all that she had started with an apology.

“I don’t understand.”

They were riding along, side by side, their legs occasionally brushing as their horses paced along. She was silent for so long he thought she would not answer, but she did finally, and surprised him with the length of her explanation, “There is an old legend the people tell. They say that long ago we were without the horse.   That we walked the land on our own feet. One night a stranger came among us, asking for hospitality. The people welcomed him, making a place around the fire, sharing their food, giving up a hut for him to sleep in comfort and privacy. That night as he sat around the fire with them, his hands were busy with wood and knife. Come morning, the stranger was gone, but his carvings remained. As my people carried them from the hut and as the first light of morning shown on them, they were changed into the first mare and stallion.   So in honor and memory of He Who Has No Name, each tribe keeps an empty hut ready, should a stranger come among them.   Hospitality is important to my people.   We would not turn a stranger away.   But, we would not let an unmarried couple share that hut, and I have had the dubious pleasure of sharing Ochina’s before.”

Marcellus threw his head back and laughed heartily. Spurring his horse, he gave himself over to the pleasure of galloping a fine horse across the open plain. Dallen followed, her mount quickly closing the distance between them.   They thundered through the sun warm day, knowing only this moment of freedom, this one instant of life. And it was a beautiful moment.

 

Life?

What does it mean to be alive?

This has been explored at length in fiction – Bram Stoker’s Dracula or Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein are just two of the works that come to mind. In these stories the monsters think, speak, move about, and interact with others, but Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster are not truly alive.   They lack an intrinsic something that sets them apart and often at odds with the ordinary human beings in their stories.

Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that though I was thinking, speaking and moving about, often frenetically, my life had very little life in it.

So I began to ponder this idea of life. What does it mean to be fully alive? By no means do I feel like I have a definitive answer, but I’ve made some interesting discoveries.

The most surprising to me was that life is about relationship. An inveterate loner, I have come to realize that relationship is quite possibly the only thing that makes life worth living. People are a tremendous gift. Not only are good healthy relationships a whole lot of fun, but spending time with other people, genuinely listening and caring about them, is the best way to get over myself. When life is all about me, it’s a dead yawn. When I’m seeking to value and serve others, there’s a whole lot of sparkle and fizz in my day.

For me, life is also less about trying to make things happen than it is enjoying what’s happening in the right now. I find that when I’m really present in the moment it becomes deeper and richer and more solid than anything I’ve ever manipulated, forced or cajoled into being. To stop striving after what I think I ought to have and to appreciate what’s right in front of me has enriched my life immeasurably. I’ve missed some tremendous gifts in my rush to reach the goal or complete the plan.

Which is not to say I’ve given up on goals or planning. If anything my goals are more fixed and my plans more solid. But I’ve learned that my plans and my goals should never be more important than the person right in front of me. Than taking a few seconds to notice the warmth of the sunshine on my face. Than breathing.

Life is fleeting, and if I’m going to live it with joy and energy and verve then, baby, I’ve got grasp it and hang on tight. This world and all its challenges and negativity wants to suck the life right out of me, but I will not be deflated.

I was created to live and to live life abundantly. With others. With thoughtfulness. With intention. With great joy and deep peace.

What brings you life?

The Ancient Greeks Made Me Do This

Hi! I’m Stephanie Benedict, and I appreciate your stopping by. I was inspired to start this blog, in part, because I was tired of all the tension and negativity out here on the web. Sometimes a girl just wants to get away from it all. It is here that I hope to carve out a place of light and beauty for myself, and if someone else finds it refreshing – then all the better!

I like to read a thoughtful book each morning during breakfast, and I’ll be sharing quotes and thoughts from those books. You might agree with them, or you might not. I might not agree with them! But I hope they will make us both think a little more deeply about the pertinent subject matter.

I’ll also share my own creative writing. I began writing when I was about 11 or 12, but always privately, for myself. While I was teaching my children about Ancient Greece (yes, we were homeschoolers) I was profoundly moved by their emphasis on beauty, truth and goodness; and what they have left to the world because of that pursuit.

I have come to believe that anyone who has any tiny spark of the creative life owes it to society to put it to good use. We need beauty; and we need truth spoken in ways that engender life; and we need things that are just plain good. In every sense of the word.

So you can say that the Ancient Greeks made me start this blog. Their example and their legacy is certainly why I have decided to move my writing into the public realm. I, too, want to leave something behind.

What I’d like to leave is a more beautiful, thoughtful, and truthful world than I have right now. Even if that world exists only between the covers of a book.