Category: Personal

Where Beauty Led

On By stephaniebenedictIn Personal, TheologyLeave a comment

I’ve talked about the importance of beauty before, but never where it led me. I homeschooled my children using a classical, history-centered method. As we were studying Ancient Greece I was struck by the heights their society attained. The more we read the more I came to realize it was their pursuit of beauty that made the difference. Beauty in art of every kind was highly valued – including the beauty of the human spirit.

I began looking for beauty in my own life and especially my faith life. I mean, if God is the author and creator of all things, then he is the origin and source of beauty. I assumed that religion, then, would be the most beautiful thing, right?

What I found was not beautiful. I found a lot of guilt (no, I wasn’t Catholic, LOL!), a lot of anger, a lot of judgement, and a lot of fear. Especially fear of beauty and joy. Some of it flowed from my own brokenness and some of it flowed from trying to live out an incomplete theology. My faith was not beautiful and was actively discouraging the pursuit of beauty in my own life.

That couldn’t be right?!? But it was. The more I strove for truth, beauty and goodness (all three together, not one or the other) the more miserable I become and the more I realized the people around me were as broken and as joyless as I was, and none of us were getting any better. Indeed marriages were ending, children were walking away from the faith and anxiety attacks were increasing. Something was definitely not right.

Finally, full of anger and bitterness, I walked away from faith altogether. For years. It was the most awful season of my life. I have always desired God. To have known him and the consolation faith can bring and then to have lost every shred of my spirituality was painful. But trying to live the spiritual life as I understood it then was more painful…

What I did not give up was the pursuit of beauty. I found it in drips and drabs. Never enough to satisfy or to hold on to, but always enough to fuel the search. Then one random day I found myself in the Religion section at Barnes and Noble. I missed God so much. Even after years of actively rejecting faith, there remained an emptiness in my life that God used to fill at least a little, sometimes a lot. Standing there with my empty ache, I read book jacket after book jacket. Not with any real hope of finding hope, but just out of homesickness. But Oh, the Mercies of God. I pulled The Seven Storey Mountain by Thomas Merton off the shelf.

Something piqued my interest. At this far remove, I don’t remember what, but I knew I had to have this book. I bought it. Read it. and Found my hope. Raised in a home void of faith, Thomas expressed the same emptiness I felt. Until he found Jesus waiting for him in the Eucharist – in the Communion of the Catholic Church.

Entranced, I bought the Catechism of the Catholic Church. From the first page I was struck by the way it talked about God and about me – an individual person. This was so high and lofty and BEAUTIFUL – yet very present and very available. I read for 5 long years, everything I could get my hands on, Protestant and Catholic. In the end, beauty won my heart; goodness soothed my soul; and truth set me free to really live.

The Ancient Greeks made me do it…

And I’m so very glad they did.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

On By stephaniebenedictIn PersonalLeave a comment

The most bewitching word in the English language is tomorrow. It has an unending ability to soothe and comfort. Faced with any difficulty all a girl has to do is whisper, “Tomorrow,” and all will be well.

I’ve been wondering lately about my tendency to procrastinate. I am a world class Procrastinator. Why do I put off what I not only can do today, but really should do? It pains me to say, I don’t always know.

Sometimes my latent perfectionism paralyzes me. “If your going to do it, do it right,” that voice from my childhood whispers in my ear. But nothing was ever right…or at least not  right enough… When I feel that familiar demoralization rear its ugly head, I laugh and remind myself that nothing is perfect.

I’ve found taking a few minutes to ask and answer one or more of the following usually subdues the instinct to “make it perfect” and frees up enough energy for me to begin the task. In no particular order, I ask:

1) What do I have time for?  If this is the only project of the day, then I have time to really lean in to the details. If my deadline for completion is in an hour, then I’ve got to hit the high points and get ‘er done.

2) What’s the minimum it will take for me (or the boss) to feel good about the finished product? This sounds like a dangerous question, but the point is to stop panicking about “doing it perfectly” which either has me running away or totally paralyzed. Once I get started, my natural tendency to excellence will kick in and I’ll end up doing a great job. I’ve just got to freakin’ start! I’ve developed a little mantra to use in these situations – good enough is good enough.

3) What is the real goal? If the goal is to enjoy a good cup of tea my actions will be far different than if my goal is to produce the most beautiful tea tray ever. I can get caught up in stuff that has no real bearing on what I need to accomplish.  Focus on the Goal!

Other times I do not want to do the task because I dislike it, so I don’t…for days…or weeks…or…

Then there are the things I’m afraid of. Like phone calls. I hate making phone calls because I am afraid someone is going to yell at me. It’s irrational. It’s weird (I don’t call my friends or family). It causes problems at work.

There are other things I’m afraid of, that I put off doing. But I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

Often, I’m just simply exhausted. I don’t because I just don’t have the energy.

But then there are the things I love to do (like writing) and the times when I have the energy and the time, and nothing happens. I sit staring at my phone mindlessly scrolling Twitter, or less mindlessly playing Free Cell, instead of doing something that I love. Why?

I don’t know. I know there is always a reason why not. I know excuses are lies you tell yourself. So I offer no excuses, and I’ll keeping looking for the reason how…how can I make this happen? Until I stop putting off the joy I can have today and start embracing it. Right Now…because tomorrow never comes.

The New American Virtue

On By stephaniebenedictIn Personal, Theology, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Virtue is important to me. I want to be known as a good person – trustworthy, dependable, honest… You get the idea.

I don’t hear a lot about the cultivation of virtue. Occasionally as you pass an elementary school you might see the “character quality” of the month listed on the marque, but by and large Americans don’t seem to focus on growing in virtue or character.

With one glaring exception – somehow, busyness has become the new American virtue.

Have you noticed? America seems obsessed with cultivating busyness. We are wildly busy simply going about the business of being busy. We are even busy making sure our children are busy.

Twenty minutes late for a lunch date? No problem, claim the virtue of busyness, and all is not only forgiven, but admired. To be busy is to be absolved of every slip of the mind, every missed deadline, every forgotten appointment/date/family obligation.

To be busy is to have an interesting life. To be busy is the be about important things. To be busy is to be important.  Idleness is evil. Idleness is a waste.

Or is it? In the Judeo-Christian tradition, God considered rest so important he set aside an entire day for rest. If you wade deeper into the minutia of the law, you would find that he actually set aside one of every seven years as a year of rest. Can you imagine?

I find that doing nothing is sometimes the most important thing I can do. To let my mind wander aimlessly. To let my body sit and recharge. To focus on nothing but the here and now.

To be present in nothingness is to be aware and in touch with the most elemental part of life. My breath; my heartbeat; the warmth of my beloved’s hand in mine. These are gifts that cannot be measured and can be so easily missed.

I reject busyness. I choose to clear my calendar. I choose to life a simple life; a basic life. I choose to be available to myself, my loved ones and to the infinite beauty of life that is present every second of every day if we will just take the time to notice.

 

 

Catharsis

On By stephaniebenedictIn PersonalLeave a comment

I’ve thought a great deal about art and literature over the years, and I have no pretensions that I will ever write “the great American novel”. So I’ve had to find a reason to keep pursuing the craft. For me the point of all art is to leave this world a better place, and the work doesn’t have to be museum quality to do that.   A photograph that evokes a smile has done its job. The tea pitcher that balances perfectly in the hand is worthy of the effort its maker put into it.

The Ancient Greeks believed in the idea of catharsis – that art, especially the dramatic arts, can create an emotion which is then purged. This purgation leaves society a safer, better place. Anger dealt with in the theater does not burst out out on the streets. But does it necessarily follow that the work must be light and fluffy, dealing only with trivial matters?

No. Art can challenge; art can confront. But what art must not do, is destroy hope. If the artist cannot see a glimmer of light, an uncertain, but possible way forward, then what good does it do?

We all know this world has dark awful places, and we dishonor those who hurt when we ignore that fact. But we need to ask ourselves what talent is for. Is it for leading others further down a dark path? Is it to suck the last ray of sun from the sky?

I think not. Art is one of the great crowns of human existence, and people worth a glorious diadem.

Life?

On By stephaniebenedictIn PersonalLeave a comment

What does it mean to be alive?

This has been explored at length in fiction – Bram Stoker’s Dracula or Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein are just two of the works that come to mind. In these stories the monsters think, speak, move about, and interact with others, but Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster are not truly alive.   They lack an intrinsic something that sets them apart and often at odds with the ordinary human beings in their stories.

Several years ago, I came to the conclusion that though I was thinking, speaking and moving about, often frenetically, my life had very little life in it.

So I began to ponder this idea of life. What does it mean to be fully alive? By no means do I feel like I have a definitive answer, but I’ve made some interesting discoveries.

The most surprising to me was that life is about relationship. An inveterate loner, I have come to realize that relationship is quite possibly the only thing that makes life worth living. People are a tremendous gift. Not only are good healthy relationships a whole lot of fun, but spending time with other people, genuinely listening and caring about them, is the best way to get over myself. When life is all about me, it’s a dead yawn. When I’m seeking to value and serve others, there’s a whole lot of sparkle and fizz in my day.

For me, life is also less about trying to make things happen than it is enjoying what’s happening in the right now. I find that when I’m really present in the moment it becomes deeper and richer and more solid than anything I’ve ever manipulated, forced or cajoled into being. To stop striving after what I think I ought to have and to appreciate what’s right in front of me has enriched my life immeasurably. I’ve missed some tremendous gifts in my rush to reach the goal or complete the plan.

Which is not to say I’ve given up on goals or planning. If anything my goals are more fixed and my plans more solid. But I’ve learned that my plans and my goals should never be more important than the person right in front of me. Than taking a few seconds to notice the warmth of the sunshine on my face. Than breathing.

Life is fleeting, and if I’m going to live it with joy and energy and verve then, baby, I’ve got grasp it and hang on tight. This world and all its challenges and negativity wants to suck the life right out of me, but I will not be deflated.

I was created to live and to live life abundantly. With others. With thoughtfulness. With intention. With great joy and deep peace.

What brings you life?

The Ancient Greeks Made Me Do This

On By stephaniebenedictIn Homeschooling, Original Writing, Personal, What I'm ReadingLeave a comment

Hi! I’m Stephanie Benedict, and I appreciate your stopping by. I was inspired to start this blog, in part, because I was tired of all the tension and negativity out here on the web. Sometimes a girl just wants to get away from it all. It is here that I hope to carve out a place of light and beauty for myself, and if someone else finds it refreshing – then all the better!

I like to read a thoughtful book each morning during breakfast, and I’ll be sharing quotes and thoughts from those books. You might agree with them, or you might not. I might not agree with them! But I hope they will make us both think a little more deeply about the pertinent subject matter.

I’ll also share my own creative writing. I began writing when I was about 11 or 12, but always privately, for myself. While I was teaching my children about Ancient Greece (yes, we were homeschoolers) I was profoundly moved by their emphasis on beauty, truth and goodness; and what they have left to the world because of that pursuit.

I have come to believe that anyone who has any tiny spark of the creative life owes it to society to put it to good use. We need beauty; and we need truth spoken in ways that engender life; and we need things that are just plain good. In every sense of the word.

So you can say that the Ancient Greeks made me start this blog. Their example and their legacy is certainly why I have decided to move my writing into the public realm. I, too, want to leave something behind.

What I’d like to leave is a more beautiful, thoughtful, and truthful world than I have right now. Even if that world exists only between the covers of a book.